This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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