someone threw a dead crab at me
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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