I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
