I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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