i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
