Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
