You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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