then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize