I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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