The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
