Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
