did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
