it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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