she woke up with a sticky ear
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
