guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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