Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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