We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
