i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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