I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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