Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
