Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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