I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
