im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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