A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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