you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
