there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
