If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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