My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
