i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
