I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
