Can Purell be used as lube?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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