your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
