Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
