Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
