I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize