if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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