The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
