This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Pants are for mortals
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
