She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
