How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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