your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
