I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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