FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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