Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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