oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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