I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
