why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone đ
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesnât necessarily stop me
I woke up in a warehouse with the words âProperty of Adamâ written on my chest in frosting.
Howâs big weiner McGee?
Iâm going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and heâs fine thank you very much
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