Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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