I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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