the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
