I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize