dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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