Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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