I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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