Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
