My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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