You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
