I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Randomize
