First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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