I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
