I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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